Quick answer: GIVE and FAST are two DBT interpersonal effectiveness skills used alongside DEAR MAN. GIVE is for keeping the relationship: Gentle, Interested, Validate, Easy manner. FAST is for keeping self-respect: Fair, no unnecessary Apologies, Stick to values, Truthful. DEAR MAN makes the request; GIVE is how you deliver it; FAST is what stops you abandoning yourself to keep the peace.

What are the three goals in an interaction?

DBT says almost every interpersonal situation contains up to three goals:

  • Objective: get the thing, or say no to the thing.
  • Relationship: keep the relationship in good repair.
  • Self-respect: keep acting in line with your values.

DEAR MAN serves the objective. GIVE serves the relationship. FAST serves self-respect. You cannot always maximise all three, and naming your priority is part of the skill.

What does GIVE stand for?

Gentle
No attacks, threats, guilt-tripping or eye-rolling. A softer tone and no character assassination. You can be firm without being cruel.
Interested
Listen, ask, and do not interrupt or rehearse your reply while they are talking. Interest is not agreement; it is attention.
Validate
Acknowledge their view or feeling without conceding the whole argument: "I understand why that feels unfair." Validation lowers the temperature enough for a conversation.
Easy manner
A lighter tone, a little humour where it fits. You are talking to a person, not delivering a deposition.

An example, asking a housemate about the kitchen:

“Hey — can I talk about the kitchen for a minute? I know you have had a rough week. The dishes are piling up and it is stressing me out. Could we split them, or take a night each?”

Then listen. That is GIVE doing the delivery work.

What does FAST stand for?

Fair
Fair to them and fair to you. Not "fair" as in winning the argument, but as in not asking for more than is reasonable and not accepting less than is reasonable either.
(No unnecessary) Apologies
Do not apologise for asking, for having needs, or for existing. If you actually did something wrong, apologise properly — once. The skill targets the apology spiral, not accountability.
Stick to values
Do not trade your values for approval. If honesty matters to you, do not shade the truth to make the ask easier.
Truthful
Do not lie, exaggerate or invent an excuse. Lying damages self-respect and usually the relationship, and it gives the other person a reason to distrust the next request.

An example, saying no to an extra shift:

“I cannot cover Saturday. I am at my limit and I need the day. I can do Sunday morning if that helps.”

No invented excuse. No apology for having a limit. An offer that is real.

How do GIVE and FAST work together?

Think of a single conversation in three layers:

  1. DEAR MAN states the request or the no.
  2. GIVE keeps the relationship intact while it is heard.
  3. FAST protects your self-respect if you are pushed to abandon your needs.

GIVE without FAST becomes appeasement: you keep the relationship by giving in. FAST without GIVE becomes coldness: you keep your self-respect by treating the other person as an obstacle. The skills are meant to be balanced.

When the relationship is not safe

GIVE and FAST assume a relationship worth keeping and a situation you can negotiate. If there is coercion, abuse, intimidation or danger, the priority is safety and support, not a perfectly delivered conversation. Leaving, involving someone you trust, or contacting a specialist service can be the most effective option.

Common mistakes

  • GIVE as appeasement. Giving in to keep the peace is not relationship effectiveness; it stores resentment.
  • FAST as coldness. Bluntness is not self-respect, and it usually costs the relationship you were trying to keep.
  • Over-apologising. Three apologies turn a request into a confession.
  • Validating their position while abandoning yours. Both can be acknowledged.
  • Using the skills in an unsafe situation. Safety comes before script.

Frequently asked questions

Is GIVE the same as being nice?

No. Being nice can mean avoiding the request. GIVE is a set of behaviours for keeping the relationship while you still ask for what you need or say no.

Should I apologise if I was actually wrong?

Yes. FAST’s “no unnecessary apologies” targets apologising for having needs, not refusing accountability. A real apology, offered once, is consistent with both GIVE and FAST.

Do I use GIVE or FAST first?

Decide which goal matters most in this conversation. If it is the relationship, lead with GIVE. If it is self-respect under pressure, FAST. DEAR MAN carries the objective, and the other two support it.